Growing up, I’ve always been the type of person who always had a timeline. Get a car when I turn 25, start saving up for a house at 27, get married at 30 and live my best life, eventually. But as grown ups, we all know timelines are nothing but a string of chances that do not necessarily grace everyone. Growing up, I was also a hopeless romantic. With a montage of western movies in my head running around whenever I’d swoon over a guy, I always thought it would be the same for everyone—stay with someone long enough until you know every nook and cranny of their core, love each bit of that core and be one with their core. I was serial monogamist anyway; I loved long relationships. I loved being with my person for endless hours and waking up the next day still looking to discover more.

That was until reality struck me and said, “Bitch, life isn’t a walk in the park”. Timelines don’t happen, long relationships don’t lead to discovering someone’s core. If anything it taught me, you can be with someone for years on end and not realize all along that you’ve been strung so high it’s not the core you’re seeing but a false god you’ve created out of the bad bits you’re left with. You try and be hopeful, because that one moment can’t define you…and it doesn’t---but it ruins you.

It ruins you so bad even the purest being of your core crumbles at the thought of waking up and facing this relentless world. You want to drown in your thoughts and hope to be consumed by them—but you live in a third world country, drowning in your thoughts isn’t exactly a luxury you can afford. So you try to go on, as if stepping on the bits and pieces of your entirety wasn’t enough. And with that, you just get used to all the hurt and become a mended person again. Fragile, but fully functional.

Relationships seem normal again. Dating seems normal again. Being with someone seems normal again. Everything seems normal again…until it isn’t. You notice your mended being isn’t you at all. Efforts don’t amuse you, long relationships scare you, and commitment breaks you. You try not to be defined by all the pain, the struggle…and it doesn’t. But it has ruined you. It has ruined you and people still ask, “Why aren’t your married yet?” It’s because I refuse to put this world first before my being.

So…

It must be nice to be with the same person, build your plans, talk about marriage and little ones.

It must be nice to get to know the same person over and over…knowing you have the rest of your life to do so.

It must be nice to think of a big or small house where you’d spend the rest of your lives with; endless celebrations, endless moments.

It must be nice not having to put yourself out there for everyone to see just so you can meet “The One”.

It must be nice that you don’t have to rebuild yourself, your life, your goals and dreams.

It must be nice to get used to the same term of endearment because you know you only have to use one foe the rest of your life.

It must be nice to plan things with the same person and actually see them happen.

It must be nice to be sure…and have someone with you in the process.  

For those who aren’t, for those who have to keep rebuilding their goals, their dreams—their life, for those who lose hope every single day…let’ not. Our timelines may not have worked but our goals and dreams will. It may or may not be with a person, but it will. And that’s okay.