I've always had a love-hate relationship with my body. I remember calling Marie France (an aesthetic clinic) when I was 12, asking how much a scar removal would cost because I was a pre-teen who couldn't imagine wearing a bikini because of all my chickenpox scars. I also wanted a boob job and I wanted to have fair skin. I wanted to change so many things and I was never really quite satisfied with my body. A lot of factors come into play--media's portrayal of beauty, how society defines beauty and the environment I grew up in that that really just highlighted these insecurities. From whitening products, to the media's portrayal of what a beautiful woman should look like. I'd see this in magazine, newspapers--everywhere and I wanted that.
When I look back at that moment, it's scary how I went into great lengths so I can save up for the procedures I wanted, well, but not as scary as trying to make the conversation quick so my Mom wouldn't catch me doing a long-distance call haha. But seriously, when I look back at that moment, I was 12 and already vastly insecure with my scars, my skin color, my nose, my forehead and just everything about me that doesn't look like the "standard" look of beauty.
It's been years since that phone call but I ended up taking those insecurities with me going as far as seriously considering surgery and incessant dieting throughout the years. I've always been skinny but when you see a different standard of beauty on the media, you always want to be skinnier. My body before was okay but I would go on crash diets all the time and I feel that it ultimately ruined my metabolism. It became harder and harder for me to lose weight as I ate less--and my last straw at this was when in 2017 while I was on Keto. I was eating solely protein and fat and didn't realize how it was affecting my mental health. I was always hungry and drunk because it was becoming too much. I weighed 39kgs when I finally decided to stop because I realized it wasn't sustainable. I binged hard after that. I wanted all the carbs I lost and overate all the time--this went on for 2yrs which eventually led to my heaviest weight--60kgs.
Can you imagine, from 39kgs to 60kgs in a span of 2yrs? I didn't even realize I didn't fit in my clothes anymore. I was wearing the same thing and little by little felt a little ashamed to go out because I didn't look good. It took an entire pandemic for me to realize my worth is not based on my body or my looks or whatever physical attribute society dictates. I am still struggling right now but I'm slowly unlearning all the unhealthy and impossible standards society has planted in my head. I'm sharing this vlog not to encourage you guys to do it but to share how I finally got out of that hole and learned to love myself more ny nourishing my body with proper nutrition and feeding my mind and soul with kindness instead of unrealistic standards. Phew, that was a lot to unload but hope you learned a thing or two about my journey.
Ochi is a twenty-something Corporate Trainer who loves to cook, take photos and videos of her food, eat and travel. On weekends, she's either drunk or snuggling in bed watching her favorite crime drama. 
